BRAVO FLEET COMMAND HQ–Captain Duke Hogg was found not guilty by Bravo Fleet JAG on Monday of treason, conspiracy, sedition, mutiny, and being a general asshole. Of the 8,694 cases brought before the JAG prior to Hogg’s, all 8,694 resulted in convictions on all counts. One court reporter, so surprised by the result, choked on his Doritos® and had to receive the Heimlich from a quick-thinking stenographer.
The charges against Hogg were filed late last week by his Task Force Commander, Rear Admiral Hannibal Swine, after an argument broke out between the two over email. The dispute quickly spilled into Discord, then to Facebook chat, and finally to SMS text.
According to Swine, Hogg threatened to remove his sim, the USS Pompadour, from Bravo Fleet due to a disagreement about posting styles. “He was being a straight dick,” Swine commented. Hogg also accused Swine of being a dick and filed counter charges, which were immediately dismissed by the JAG for undisclosed reasons.
Bravo Fleet Co-Founder, former Command-in-Chief, former Vice-Commander-in-Chief, former Chief of Operations, former Task Force 69 Commander, former Task Group 13 Commander, former Recruitment Officer, former Chief JAG, and current Starbase 400,000 Commander Fleet Admiral Mike K. Bremer was shocked by the result. “I’m shocked,” he said. “Heck, I found myself guilty three years ago after bringing charges against myself… to myself.”
Even more shocked was Bravo Fleet Logistics Command, which, anticipating an 8,695th guilty verdict, had already chartered a personnel transport to Rura Penthe for Hogg. “That money could have been used for website upgrades,” one unnamed Admiral lamented. “Oh well, we were bound to get it wrong one day,” he added.
While most legal analysts praised the surprising verdict, Hogg was less enthusiastic. “To be honest, I’m a little disappointed,” he continued, “I was kinda looking forward to trolling Bravo Fleet over this for the next four to five years.”
Hogg might still get his chance as the general consensus among the 50 to 60 Bravo Fleet Admirals present, including the Chief JAG, was that despite the not guilty verdict, Hogg is still permanently banned.