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Shadow Fleet & 5th Fleet Discover That Not Everything Is Better with Bacon

THE INTERNET–Leaders at both Shadow Fleet & 5th Fleet reversed course yesterday on 2018 orders requiring that all Commanding Officers include bacon in their sims after several months of creative stagnation and declining memberships.  The experiment is largely seen as a failure to ride the wave of bacon’s increasing popularity over the last few years.  Neither fleet has current plans to replace bacon with another food even though kale is still really popular, or at least it was several years ago.

The bacon order was the brainchild of Shadow Fleet’s Admiral Dylan Torngate, who resigned in the fallout.  “Umm,” he said, “It’s the first time I’ve ever been wrong in my whole life.”  Fellow Admirals Kirok, Malcolm Adeymei & Julia Rellek held their heads down as Torngate continued with a prepared statement.

“Bacon may go well with eggs, omelets, salads, burgers, sandwiches, grits, and cheesecake–heck, bacon even goes well with bacon!  However, it doesn’t go well with role play,” said 5th Fleet’s Admiral Thomas “Tommy” McDuffy.  General Jonathan “Jonny” Grey, nodded in agreement.  McDuffy then went on, “Bacon also works with ice cream, yogurt, pancakes, cakes, cupcakes, hotcakes, shortcakes…”

“I’m happy to see bacon go,” said Captain John Pentac, Commanding Officer of the 5th Fleet’s USS Allexandra Timmis, as he took a bite of his avocado toast.

“Yeah, bacon is like so two-thousand and late, but my organic quinoa bowl with free-range chicken fried in coconut oil is fabulous,” added USS Endurance‘s Executive Officer, Commander Crystal Verrill.  “It’s even better with Sriracha.”

While the mandate’s issue in 5th Fleet was bacon’s failure to catch on with simmers, Shadow Fleet was unable to get their food replicators to consistently produce a quality product in-story.

“It was always overcooked, too crispy,” said USS Athena‘s Captain James Carter.

The problem was more severe on Starbase Columbus, where 12 NPCs and three player-characters died after eating raw bacon and contracting food poisoning.  “Tragic,” said the base’s Chief Medical Officer.  “You know it’s bad when it goes beyond NPCs… and they weren’t even red-shirts either.”  Fifty-seven others had to receive medical attention.

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