Editor’s Note: A previous version of this article incorrectly identified Michael Aravan as the host of the Simming Prizes.
HOLLYWOOD–Five-time host of the Simming Prizes John Nugra delivered a blistering opening monologue last night to the role play elite during the annual awards show & banquet. Sparing no one, he roasted simmers, leaders, NPCs, and the like. While some found his remarks humorous, others described them as “highly offensive.” Nugra came to prominence starring on the original 22nd Fleet version of the sitcom The Academy.
“I know a lot of people don’t think I deserve to be standing here. Frankly, it’s a little hard to believe myself,” Nugra began. “I mean, Major Tom was fired from the Starbase 400,000 Awards for some offensive posts… Hello?” he added, motioning to himself. “Lucky for me, the Simming Prize Trustees no longer role play.”
While that received mostly laughs, it quickly became uncomfortable for many in the audience.
“Lots of big celebrities here tonight. Legends. Icons. This table alone–Chas Hammer, Mike K. Bremer… and Q himself. Oh sorry, that’s Telos Raymar. He forgot to take his anti-God complex meds this morning. I love you man. Don’t have me banned.”
“Remember, they’re just jokes,” Nugra reminded everyone as Raymar switched a phaser from stun to vaporize under his table.
“Oh shut up, you laughing in the back–‘haha, look how funny it is when he makes fun of Raymar,’ yes,” said Nugra, going off script. “You know if you were in charge of Bravo Fleet you would be pulling the same [EDITED]. Your avatars are Bradley Cooper, Scarlett Johansson, and Elsa from Frozen, for Worf’s sake. If they made a sim called Mary Sue, you would have the lead role.”
Nugra paused. “Yes, I see that you’re now on your phone. I know you’re blocking me as I speak.”
“No one cares about the Simming Prizes anymore. No one posts, no one really role plays. Everyone is on Discord. L. Phoenix Lallard is there, and she’s a barrel of laughs. This show should just be me coming out, going, ‘Well done, Discord. You win everything. Good night.’ But no, we’ve got to drag it out over two years.”
Nugra continued, “Seriously, most role plays are awful. Lazy. Ripoffs. Rehash. Take Colonel Arzy. His writing is so bad that fleets would rather list a dozen fake sims on their website than accept his. Literally all most of you care about is how many sims you have and still nobody will take this guy.”
Arzy accidentally revealed the location of his secret underground bunker when, with geolocation activated, he tweeted his displeasure of the line.
“Shhhhh, just jokes. Just jokes.”
Nugra ended his talk with perhaps the most pointed remarks of the evening.
“If you win an award tonight, don’t use it as a platform to make a speech about Star Trek Discovery. You’re in no position to lecture the fans about anything. You know nothing about Star Trek. Most of you have watched less Trek than JJ Abrams.”
“So if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your sim, thank Patrick Stewart for making a new TV show that you’re all going to hate anyway, and [EDITED] off, okay?”
The Simming Prizes awarded were:
- The Longest Active Simming Career Without Doing Anything Particularly Interesting or Impressive Award: Josh Hina of Ascension Fleet‘s TNU Project
- Prize for Not Being a Cesspool of Drama and an Absolutely Terrible Place to Role Play Like Most Other Groups Are: Theta Fleet
- Literally a Facebook Page That Anyone Could Create in Five Minutes Flat: Star Trek Sim Hub
- Token Non-Star Trek Trophy: Caribbean Dawn
- The You’ve Got to Be [EDITED] Kidding Me Prize: Major Tom & Lieutenant Dan
Click here to submit your own Simming Prize nominations for 2019. Seriously, if these guys can win, anybody can. Just don’t expect to hear back before 2025.
When questioned this morning about the show, 22nd Fleet C.E.O. Zachary O’Connell didn’t seem to be aware of the controversy surrounding Nugra’s monologue. “Sorry, the Simming Prizes are past my bedtime,” he said.
Another Editor’s Note: Upon further review, John Nugra never starred in The Academy. As far as we can tell, he doesn’t have anything to do with 22nd Fleet either. It was a rough night.