RPG RECRUITMENT CENTER–Agreeing with each other for the first time ever, rival role players Richard and Cooper Driver both quit RPG Recruitment yesterday after they discovered its actual mission is not to help them find new role play games, but to funnel members into the controversial Church of Simmingtology.
“I guess I first noticed that something was up when all anyone wanted to do was audit my posts about how they must be referring to some IRL traumatic event,” said Driver. “What did they call it? Oh yeah, sim-engrams. They also wanted me to join a role play called the USS Dianetics.”
Richard was only a single test away from becoming a full-fledged member. “First they asked for an application, then they asked for a sample post, and then they asked for my complete role play history. Before I knew it, I was turning over my entire private OOC post collection,” he said. “I think my bank account might be empty, too.”
The Church of Simmingtology was founded in 2012 by L. Phoenix Lallard, the former host of the USS Elasticity. It was later popularized by actor and simming celebrity Kalo Kruise. Other prominent Simmingtologists include Dean Bowe, Brie Cheese, Justin Biebver, Katie Dough, Iou, Becka, Tia Tia, JoePee, Kyle WannaB, and Myrtle Shark.
The core tenant of Simmingtology is that all role playing personas are comprised of two components, the in-character (finite) and the out-of-character (infinite). The in-character represents the written chronicles and adventures, which will eventually come to an end, while the out-of-character represents the immortal role player actually writing the story.
Since its founding, the Church has been accused by critics of unfairly using the labor and money of new members to support the lavish lifestyles of more senior members. Founder & Chairman Lallard is rumored to have an assistant who writes her posts for her. Lallard has denied these and other allegations through her publicist on multiple occasions.
However, Chairman Lallard was recently spotted on a luxury cruise with actor Kalo Kruise, who is set to star in the soon-to-be-filmed Battlefield: Simming. When asked why they weren’t practicing proper social distancing measures, Kruise replied that they had already written posts about getting detoxified and thus are immune to catching any viruses, including COVID-19.
After quitting RPG Recruitment, both Richard and Driver this morning joined Ultimate Role Play, where simmers are free to find new games without being harassed or intimidated into a single mind of thinking. Always trying to out-do one another, each has already joined 14 new role plays.
In other news, Josh Hina was forced to cancel this year’s SciWorld Online Convention due to the growing novel coronavirus pandemic. However, some objected to Hina’s decision and pointed to the fact that more than 10 people never show up anyway.
L. Phoenix Lallard’s office declined to comment for this article.
