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After an exhaustive analysis of Chas Hammer’s many writings, including his books, articles, and decades of simming & online role playing, we can definitively name his real life identity. More 300,000 documents were reviewed over a 12-year period in this deep & comprehensive study to conclusively put the mystery to rest.
RPG RECRUITMENT CENTER–Agreeing with each other for the first time ever, rival role players Richard and Cooper Driver both quit RPG Recruitment yesterday after they discovered its actual mission is not to help them find new role play games, but to funnel members into the controversial Church of Simmingtology.
BROOKLYN–The long anticipated civil trial of Driver v. The Toasted Avocado kicked off today with Cooper Driver making his own opening statement after his attorney, Michael Vendetta, failed to post his own bail.
SAFE SPACE–Celebrity Attorney Michael Vendetta on Monday called for the immediate boycott of Borderlands, Zodiac Fleet, and the USS Legacy for their “insensitive use of Star Trek culture, in part but not exclusive to their proclivity to borrow stardates, transporters, and pointed ears in their stories.”
ONGOING WORLDS–Global Internet speeds plummeted yesterday and a spacetime anomaly appeared in close proximity to Earth shortly after Simfeld, a sim about simming, was launched on the Ongoing Worlds website.
THE INTERNET–Leaders at both Shadow Fleet & 5th Fleet reversed course yesterday on 2018 orders requiring that all Commanding Officers include bacon in their sims after several months of creative stagnation and declining memberships.
NEW YORK–CBS announced yesterday a new host certification program for all Star Trek Internet role plays, sims, and fan fiction websites. The course is expected to go live sometime this summer and to be required for all hosts leading Star Trek games in 2020 and beyond.
CAMP KHITOMER–Bravo Fleet President Jerry McDonalds survived an attempt on his life today at the Camp Khitomer Peace Accords meeting of Bravo Fleet, Obsurdian Fleet, and Mythical Winged Horse Fleet.
WASHINGTON–President Donald Trump ordered his acting Attorney General on Saturday via tweet to open an anti-trust lawsuit against Anodyne Productions for holding a monopoly of the Star Trek online role playing and simming market. An estimated 87% of Star Trek RPGs run Anodyne Productions’ Nova software.
SAN FRANCISCO–Mid-level professional Milton Clumley came out to his co-workers on Thursday afternoon as an online role player. According to Clumley, he agonized for years over the decision to come out, but finally realized last week that he could no longer hide his true identity and passion.
THE INTERNET–For the first time in its eight-year history, Ongoing Worlds is hosting a role play game that continued into a second month of operation. Game #4,692, also known as Fun, Fairies, and Fairy Dust, officially clocked in post #18 on August 1st, day 32 after the role play’s original posting.
NAPLES–Sixth Fleet (the Star Trek sim club) reached an agreement with Sixth Fleet (the actual US Navy Sixth Fleet) earlier this week to conduct bi-lateral exercises this fall.
The USS Magnanimous broke the all-time play-by-post record for most posts in a week last week with 2,942 posts. The highly prolific game officially recorded the now-record post at 11:59 pm last night after what had been a week chock-full of non-stop action. No one is really sure what the previous record was.
CAMBRIDGE–Scientists at the University of Cambridge published a study today linking simming and online role playing to climate change. According to the report, the Earth’s average surface temperature has skyrocketed since simming first became popular in the 1990s.
I’ve been online role playing for 20, maybe even 30 years now. During that time, one question has always lingered in the back of my mind: Have I been simming in the Star Trek universe longer than anyone else?
